The ‘Technique’ To Control Women When They Start To Get Too Emotional

The other day, I read about a ‘technique’ that was meant to teach women a lesson and gain control over them. Sometimes I go through the PUA forums and see some advice that is harmless and even helpful, but sometimes, like the other day, my jaw literally dropped to the floor as I read this stupid and downright abusive advice. I can’t remember what this ‘technique’ was called, and I’m not going to go back and look it up because the name the guy gave it is inaccurate. It already has a name, and it is a childish and abusive way to deal with a casual or monogamous relationship.

The SIlent Treatment: Leaving Her Confused And Upset

Walk Away And Don’t Come Back For A Week

The advice is given by a man who refuses to be in a monogamous relationship. I’ve read a little bit about him, and it sounds like he’s had an open relationship for years. That’s fine, and I’m totally for having whatever kind of relationship works for you, but it doesn’t make his advice right.

He started off saying that this technique may not be easy in a monogamous relationship, but it will help the relationship a lot if you do it. And, he said that it would be impossible if you live with the woman. But, as we all know, that’s advice that will go over many people’s heads – especially if they are struggling in their relationship – because all they hear is the technique and why the advice giver thinks it will work, and then they go out and try it.

This technique is all about removing your attention or, in other and more accurate words, giving a woman the silent treatment, so that she stops acting too emotional and you don’t have to deal with any ‘drama’.

The advice giver says that the silent treatment works on women because you remove attention, and they crave attention from you more than anything. So, if you were to engage with a woman who is upset or acting irrational, you are just giving her more attention and adding to the drama, but if you give her the silent treatment, you are denying her what she craves and (in my words) you are teaching her that it’s not okay for her to be upset or emotional around you.

You are teaching her… like a parent, or a teacher, or a narcissist who likes to control other people.

So basically what you do is give her a few seconds, like around 20-30, to vent and if she keeps going on past those few seconds with her ‘drama’ then you are supposed to get up and leave without saying a word. It doesn’t matter if she asks you where you are going or tries to keep you from leaving, you just ignore her and leave. Or, as the advice giver says, ‘be a man’. Because that’s what men are supposed to do apparently.

Then, you ignore her. Don’t answer her calls. Don’t look at her texts. Don’t explain that you learned this technique from a douchebag and you are not willing to put up with her drama. Just ignore her, ‘be a man’ and give her the silent treatment for up to a week depending on how emotional she was. If she wasn’t that upset, then maybe you can give her the silent treatment for 3 or 4 days. Use your judgment, according to him.

Then he adds in that you should possibly go have sex with other women – unless, he says reluctantly – if you are in a monogamous relationship. Then you can’t. But, he continues on that having sex with other women will help you increase your confidence and help you feel more independent.

Lastly, when you do decide to contact her, pretend like nothing ever happened. Ignore that she was upset. Ignore that you gave her the silent treatment. And you will find that she forgets everything and becomes the fun, happy, grateful, and good little girl she’s supposed to be while she’s under your control.

By The Way, You’re A Pussy If You Are Not Sure About Using This Technique

One of the things I noticed was that any guy who had questions about this technique was instantly called a ‘pussy’ by the guy who handed out the advice. It felt like he was trying to bully guys into thinking that treating women like this was a manly thing to do and if you weren’t willing to do it, then you were obviously gutless around women and were being controlled by them.

What a bunch of bullshit.

Just because you treat women with respect, and are not willing to be a narcissistic jerk, doesn’t mean you are a wimp. It means that you have compassion for other people and want to govern yourself in a way that doesn’t purposely hurt other people. That doesn’t make you a wimp. It actually makes you someone who has the strength to deal with things in life (even things you don’t like) in a controlled way.

The Silent Treatment Is Abusive

I’ve been in open and monogamous relationships, and I’ve had this ‘technique’ done to me during a time when my self-esteem was low.

For instance, one guy had always been pretty honest with me, but all of a sudden he started lying to me, and I caught him in his lies. I confronted him and he took off for over a week. After he started talking to me again, I DID pretend that nothing was wrong, just like this guy says a girl would do, but not because nothing was wrong. Far from it.

I was scared that he was going to just up and leave again. I was questioning whether my emotions were valid or not. I felt like this guy had some insight into me that I didn’t have, thanks to my insecurities. And, I didn’t want to come across as a woman who had emotions and struggles and needed to be treated with respect.

Now I can see that I was letting this guy affect my self-worth but at the time his confidence in himself and what he was doing outmatched my lack of confidence.

A friend of mine recently had her husband give her the silent treatment for just over a week. (I wonder if he read about this ‘technique’?) He literally walked out of the house and left her and her three kids behind. He wouldn’t answer her calls. She nearly lost her mind. It wasn’t just about the issue she was having with him anymore  – it was about feeling out of control and not being able to work through the problem with her husband because he wasn’t giving her access to him. When he came back home and pretended like nothing had happened, she had cried as much as she could cry and had given into a victim mentality where she felt like she deserved to be treated like that and didn’t deserve to work through her emotions.

That’s just how guys are, she eventually told me. That was how she had decided to deal with the silent treatment… she had come up with a bullshit belief so that she didn’t have to suffer anymore. Thinking that guys were ‘just like that’ allowed her to stop struggling with the pain of what was happening and accept it.

There’s only so much pain a person can take and eventually they will find a way to stop struggling. We just aren’t built to feel that horrible and stressed out for a week, and as human’s we are capable of finding explanations, good or bad, that give us relief.

The Silent Treatment Will Affect Your Relationship Negatively, Casual Or Not

Anyone who gives someone the silent treatment views that person as beneath them. They view them as someone who needs to be taught a lesson, and they just happen to be the wiser one in the relationship who is capable of teaching them that lesson.

You can’t get up and walk out on someone, ignore them for a week, and then pretend like nothing happened without believing that they were wrong in their words, actions, or behaviors. You obviously think you know them better than they know themselves at that point, and that makes you better than them.

And if they put up with you treating them like that, then their self-worth is not intact. I can guarantee that if a man did that to me, he would not be in a relationship with me anymore.

I deserve much more respect than that.

So, when you come back after a week, she may be quiet and pretend like nothing happened, but that doesn’t mean she has forgotten what you did. She is hurt by it. She is affected by it negatively. And it will be an open wound for the duration of your relationship because you are not fixing it.

The advice giver told a commenter who said that women would not just pretend like nothing happened that he had obviously never given a woman the silent treatment like this before because it works for him almost every time. And, of course, he told him to stop being a ‘pussy’ to reverberate just how much of a man he was. But the fact is that this guy’s confidence about himself is through the roof, and it makes sense that a woman wouldn’t challenge him when he comes back. He simply won’t allow it because he’s too much of a narcissist to allow someone else to have feelings, bad days, or drama in their life.

Another thing to know is that this guy, who is giving the advice, is intelligent. He’s excellent with his words. He’s articulate and comes back with points that can be hard to argue. So, when a woman challenges him, he has a good chance of being able to shut her down with an argument that she literally cannot win.

I wouldn’t doubt it if he uses his words and behavior to belittle her and make her feel like she is doing something wrong. Just guessing, but I’ve have had experiences with guys like that, so I think it’s a pretty good guess.

What The Silent Treatment Really Does

The silent treatment makes you feel in control, but it makes her feel like she has no control over the relationship… no input into the relationship. It makes her feel scared to express herself because you might up and leave again. It makes her feel like she’s being punished for wanting to communicate with you or for being who she is. It makes her feel like she is with someone who doesn’t validate her. In short, it doesn’t strengthen your relationship, it weakens it.

Eventually, she will either gather up the courage to leave the relationship and find someone who treats her with the respect she deserves, or – and this is just as bad – she will let you be her teacher or controller, and you will be in a relationship with a woman who acts from a place of weakness, which means she will not be a truly happy, fulfilled, and loving woman.

Casual relationship or not, wouldn’t you rather be with a woman who feels confident in herself, confident in you, and is able to be herself?  Wouldn’t you rather have an adult relationship instead of a parent/kid or teacher/student relationship? Wouldn’t you rather be a person who treats people you are in a relationship with in a respectful way?

Casual and monogamous relationships have a lot of good lessons to offer you, even during the bad times. If you don’t ignore situations that you don’t like, and you don’t stomp your feet and walk away for a week, you get to face situations head on and, because of that, grow as a person. That’s how I think you become a real confident and strong man, not by ignoring the things that you think are beneath you or avoiding things that aren’t up to your standards.

We All, Man And Woman, Deserve Respect

I’m not saying that you should let a woman act irrationally and disrespect you. I’m saying that you don’t need to abuse her mentally just because she’s being irrational or is not treating you with respect. You don’t need to become worse than her.

If you think a woman is acting irrationally or treating you in a way you don’t deserve to be treated, tell her! Don’t give her the silent treatment and leave her to stew in her own misery and confusion. Be a decent person with self-respect and tell her that you won’t be treated that way, and if she wants to talk to you then she needs to treat you with the same respect that you give her.

If she can’t or won’t, she may be too caught up in her emotions. Give her a few hours to deal with her emotions. Let her know that you will talk to her in a few hours about this and then give her some time to calm down and think things through as you do the same.

Don’t just pick up and leave for a week. That ridiculous! That doesn’t solve anything. It just gives you control over her, makes her feel weak, and sets you up for future problems.

  • Bishca

    You clearly haven’t read enough blackdragon blog. The soft next is one of the most valuable tools for peace of mind for as he refers to it, the alpha male 2.0. The entire premise of his philosophy is that a man’s own happiness should be his no. 1 priority, relationships are finite and monogamy no longer functions in modern western society. Most men hate drama, but they tolerate it because a large proportion of women are high drama. His solution to this conundrum is simple. Don’t tolerate it. The woman in his scenarios is given a choice, calm down and have a calm rational discussion about whatever her issue is, or he’ll leave. Are you saying that a woman has the right to emotionally hold a man hostage? That he is obligated to engage in an argument he doesn’t want to have? In this model of relationship no one is beholden to anyone else, you are responsible for your own actions, zero co-dependence, minimal drama and you spend time with those you want to spend time with, when you want to. The soft next is neither emotional abuse nor damaging to a relationship when it is executed appropriately, which it seems you have misunderstood.

    • I don’t think you read the whole article. I said that a man shouldn’t put up with being treated like crap, but he also shouldn’t treat a woman, with emotions, like an object that he can just walk away from and ignore. He should stand up for himself, let her know that it’s not okay to act irrational or treat him poorly, and then if she won’t stop he can tell her that he’s decided to give them some space to calm down and have a mature conversation rather than just pick up and leave without a word.

  • Tim

    Just because you don’t like being nexted (the name of the technique) doesn’t mean it doesn’t work. It does. It works VERY well.

    However, I think you’re mischaracterizing it a bit. It’s not about being dramatic or controlling. It’s specifically about avoiding dramatic conflicts by removing yourself from the situation as soon as it starts. Not by being huffy and passive aggressive, but by just walking away. Caleb Jones (the guy who writes the Blackdragon Blog you’re referencing) is very clear on that point. Plus, if it’s the first time someone has started drama with you, it’s fine to let them know that acting that way isn’t ok, as long as you don’t get sucked into an argument (which defeats the whole point of nexting). It’s all about setting the right expectations from the get-go.

    Drama (regardless of gender) is essentially an immature form of attention-seeking behavior. By removing yourself from the situation and ignoring calls and texts for a period of time, you eliminate the positive reinforcement that people want when they act like that. If you give them ANY attention while they’re being dramatic, it’s rewarding them for that behavior. It’s not mental abuse any more than a parent putting their kid in time-out is mental abuse (and that’s exactly what this is. An adult version of time-out).

    After doing it once or twice, people get the message that you’re not going to put up with that behavior and that they need to resolve conflicts with you through calm discussion instead of raising their voice or starting an argument. It’s literally the textbook method for dealing with toxic behavior, except that BD adds some additional tips to make it easier for guys to properly execute it.

    If that’s controlling, I’d hate to hear the advice you would give to someone who responds to the drama in kind (which is what most people do).

    P.S. I’ve been in a low-drama open relationship for the last 3 years. I have yet to use this technique and have someone drop me because of it. In fact, I’ve never had to use it more than twice with any of the girls I’ve been with. We have wide-open lines of communication and are able to resolve conflicts very easily because they know that I’m happy to work with them if there’s a problem, but I’m not going to put up with their drama like most of the other guys they’ve been with.

    • It’s the silent treatment, and of course it works on some people because it’s mentally abusive. I guess if that’s a ‘technique’ that people want to use – for whatever reason they tell themselves, that’s up to them. To me, the silent treatment is abusive – bottom line.

      • Tim

        I think you’re going to have to do a better job of defining why nexting is “abusive”. Saying that “it makes you feel bad” doesn’t make it synonymous with abuse. If that were the case, I could say that going to the gym is abusive to me because I don’t like how it feels while I’m working out. But in the end, my body is better for going, as are literally all the relationships where I’ve had to soft-next someone. And I do mean ALL.

        While you’re at it, I’d love to hear how you would handle someone causing drama, raising their voice, or otherwise refusing to maturely resolve conflicts. “Being treated like crap” as you put it. To be effective, it needs to accomplish two things.

        1. Either end the conflict and drama immediately or cause a quick return to calm, rational dialogue without rewarding the drama-causing person for their immaturity.

        2. Prevent most or all future outbursts of drama

        If you can show me a better way to handle drama, I’m all ears.

        • It’s abusive because you are making the person you are doing it to feel powerless, invisible, insignificant, not worthy of acknowledging, angry, upset, crazy, etc. Times this by ten if you are dealing with someone who already has emotional or mental issues. You are doing something to someone that inflicts pain on them, both mentally and physically as they struggle with the mental and emotional aspects of being shut out without explanation. I’ve seen people start to lose their sanity as they try to understand why someone won’t talk to them or validate them.

          In any case, in my opinion, if someone doesn’t want to resolve a conflict maturely, tell them that you are not willing to talk to them until they will talk maturely. Don’t just walk away and not contact them for a week. Be the mature one. It’s a small difference from this ‘technique’, but it can greatly impact how they feel if you do have to leave.

          Leaving and walking away without a word doesn’t cause them to return to a calm, rational state. It causes them to suffer as they wonder where you are and when you are going to contact them again.

          By telling them that you won’t put up with drama, and then following through on it in a mature way, you are teaching them how to treat you. You are teaching them that they can’t be dramatic/irrational with you. And, if they don’t calm down – you TELL them you are going to give them a few hours or, if you think it’s necessary, days space so they can calm down and talk to you like an adult. Then when you walk out the door, they know why you are doing it and how long they can expect to not hear from you because you already told them. They aren’t left there feeling like you just gave up on them and don’t want to be around them. They have a reason and they know that you give a shit about them but you are not willing to communicate with them until they can be mature about it.

          It’s just a small difference. I’m not saying that the space is the bad thing. I’m saying getting up and walking out without a word and leaving them in a state of confusion or complete vulnerability is not okay. And, I’m saying that ignoring the issue by not bringing it up ever again is not okay. It is abusive. It’s important to work through issues so you can move on with a better understanding of each other and how you relate to each other.

          And, I guess if they are unable to be mature, then don’t be in a relationship with them. Move on and find someone you don’t have to give the silent treatment too. Don’t keep putting them in ‘time out’ thinking things are going to change if they never do. Some people have deep emotional problems and cannot just become who you want them to be regardless of the techniques you use on them.

          Just my opinion. You’re obviously intelligent and have your own way of thinking.

          A lot of my viewpoints come from my experiences (and I have a lot of them!), not just education, and I know that in my life getting up and walking out, and then not acknowledging what happened afterward, has always been damaging to at least one person in the relationship and usually the relationship itself – casual or not.

          • Tim

            Ok, I think I understand now. Whenever I do this, I give a similar warning like you mentioned, and BD actually recommends to do this the first time as well. The problem that guys run into is that a lot of times when you want the other person to have a calm, rational discussion about the issue at hand, the conversation shifts to an argument about “tone policing’ (for lack of a better term. That’s usually not the phrasing used, but it’s the same concept. They want you to validate their right to be an ass instead of being civil).

            This is counter-productive, so the warning has to be just that, a warning. If it’s an invitation to escalate, then you’re doing it wrong. A lot of guys screw this up, so it’s better for them to just leave the situation calmly and immediately instead of being sucked into another argument on the way out the door. Once they actually have the balls to leave if they need to, THEN they are in a position to give a calm warning. Otherwise, you’re just asking for more trouble.

            Also, if there’s a legitimate problem that needs to be addressed, then I’m happy to revisit it at a later time when we can have a productive discussion instead, as long as there’s no drama involved. However, with a lot of situations, there’s not actually a problem. It’s just someone wanting to start something because they want attention. In those cases, the “problem” won’t be revisited because she knows that there wasn’t a “problem” in the first place.

            And yes, I agree about not continuing a relationship with a chronically immature person. Fortunately, that kind of immature behavior tends to be a choice instead of a built-in feature, which means you usually only have to next someone once before they get the picture and find more mature ways of getting your attention.

  • What a huge fucking coincidence that this happened to you at a point in your life that you admit to not having much self esteem… Tell me. Tell me true. What would you do if a man was relentlessly working you over verbally (as if enjoying it somehow) without end? No, you were trying to abuse him verbally. He was unwilling to tolerate it, but still wanted sex from you. Hence, he employed a tactic to get what he wanted from you. One thing ive noticed about women is they have no sense of justice or honor. Its not their fault. They are just born lacking. Just because a woman thinks she is justified in making a never ending temper tantrum, dosent mean that the man has to agree with her. Or put up with it.

    • No he shouldn’t put up with it. I agree. And I don’t think a woman should have a never ending temper tantrum.

      But I don’t agree that all women are exactly the same, just like I don’t think all men are exactly the same. There are plenty of women that have justice and honor, and to say that all women are born lacking is irrational.

  • Tanya

    I’ve had this done to me. I wanted to discuss something that I thought was affecting our relationship negatively and I was getting worked up about it because he was being so disrespectful. He took off and didn’t try to call for just over a week. I guess I was being too dramatic for him? I never picked up the phone for that guy again. Better for both of us, I guess.

    But the thing is that I have a lot of male friends, and many of them have had this done to them by women when they got upset about something. They did NOT think it was okay that women did it to them, and it made them crazy while they wondered what these girls were up to.

    I agree, it’s emotionally abusive.

    And if it bothers men that much, I can’t imagine why men would think it’s okay to do it to women. Or, I guess the men that do think it’s okay to do it to women wouldn’t think it’s okay for women to do it to them? Double standard. Hate that.

    • Yeah, that’s a good point about the double standard.

      We are human and adults, and we should treat each other like adults, not father/daughter or teacher/student.

      We shouldn’t have to put people in ‘time out’ by just walking out the door without a word, but, instead, be mature and take into consideration the fact that we are all human and we all have emotions that shouldn’t be stomped on or denied.

      Again, I don’t think anyone should put up with someone who is acting crazy, needy, or dramatic, but there are better ways to handle it – like telling the person that you are not going to put up with drama and if they continue to be dramatic THEN you TELL THEM that you need to remove yourself from the drama and leave. And let them know that they can call you up when they are ready to be mature.